Several people have asked me about my heart on this story and why I ever started writing it in the first place. Granted, there is a lot more to it than what I’m about to tell you, but I think this might be a good place to start.
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It is my personal belief that the greatest deception we (as the human race) face today is that God will not bring His judgment again to the earth. Keep in mind, this is just my opinion, but it’s screaming at me now in a way that I can’t shut it up. I think it is this, our ignoring that He is coming, that the climax of this story is reaching toward. The whole thing is wrapped up in truth, every word that I write in it, which I find ironic since it’s usually in the times that truth is so tainted to me that I am able to write these things.
I see it in every battle, in every struggle that Nathaniel and Kyla and Caden face…everything they are fighting for coming down to this point: That the Son of Man will come again. Even if you don’t believe it. Even if the thought doesn’t make you feel good. He is still coming.
The truth beyond what we want to hear is that everything that can be shaken will be, and only those who recognize Love will be unmoved. I want to challenge the idea of “How can a God who is Love bring judgment?” and show through this story (both to the readers and to myself) how there is love in His judgments, love in His fire, love in the shaking…that this is what it means for the King of all that is to be consumed with zeal for His bride.
I might not understand it yet, but I know there is a violence to the love of God that in a human picture (or a not so human one) is like Nathaniel’s love…like Caden’s love...like Kyla's love. His heart evokes violence over His bride, and there is nothing He will not do to have her; nothing He will not tear down to make her His. Because it wouldn’t be love if He didn't.
That’s the point I am reaching for in the end, that it wouldn’t be love if His fire didn’t come. It wouldn’t be love if He didn’t do what He said…if He didn’t war on behalf of the ones He calls His. Those who wear the seal on their heart, who have been awakened to the reality of who He is. Not who the world says He is or who the church says He is…not even what history claims.
But who He is.
I want to establish that this waking, this theme of sight that is carried throughout the story isn’t something that is marked on a chosen few, but rather that it is only few who choose it. The choice is there, given by blood…because freedom can only come by sacrifice. Whether it is the freedom over a nation by the blood of its sons or freedom for mankind through the blood of the Son, freedom has to be purchased by blood.
I want to write it out plainly: This is the cost of freedom. This is the cost of love. If you want it, you have to bleed for it.
Maybe this is a fictional story, but there is so much truth to it that it sometimes frightens me. That's why I refuse to sugar coat it and make people think that having their eyes opened to the spiritual realm is some fun thing they can be a part of. Like, “Accept Jesus into your heart and you’ll feel happy and tingly inside and everything in your life will get awesome.” That would feel like deception to me, and the deepest kind of betrayal if I were to do a thing like that.
I want to lay it out clearly that if you aren’t willing to lose it all for Him, you are not worthy of Him, and it’s Caden who really drives that across. I haven’t actually written it yet, the part where that theme comes fully into play, but I have seen it in visions. I’ve heard Caden's voice in my head and felt the power behind it, and it honestly takes my breath away. It would be impossible to explain the point he is brought to, the heartache and the conviction and the intensity behind every word. But the way he says it is like this:
“If you aren’t willing to give Him everything, then you aren't worthy to call Him your King.”
Maybe that might sound a little harsh or some people might take that as offensive, but having been at that point myself, I really don’t think it is. Because humans weren’t made for sissy love. It’s in our genetic makeup to have something worth sacrificing for. We want a reason. We don’t want something that’s just handed to us clear and free, that doesn’t come at a price. It might be easier, but love isn’t love if it doesn’t cost you something...and people know that!
In an uncharacteristic moment of vulnerability, I will be honest with you about this:
I fight with God more than anyone I know. Truth to me tends to blur from black to white to black again, but it’s the times it falls to grey that I hate the most. I know God exists, and that there’s a good chance He’s not a liar, but I do not know how to trust Him. I used to love Jesus more than my life, to the point that I wouldn’t hesitate to die for Him, but I shut off my heart after it got broken, and it's taken a really long time to heal. I do not know how this story ends, but through everything I used to be and all I have become, I am struggling alongside it to see the revealing of truth. And if there is one thing I can guarantee, it is that I will not be the one who determines the ending.
Needless to say, writing Kyla isn't a stretch for me.
In light of what I just admitted, I know I probably seem like the last person who should attempt to write this kind of story, but I could no more deny this than I could deny who I am. (And yes, I realize that on both accounts I try to repeatedly.) That still doesn’t change what plays out in the end. Not because of all the people who have continually spoken to me of the success I will know and the favor I will have; not because of the countless times I’ve been told that I would write a story that would change what love is to the world…not even because of the promises I have been given over it that have kept me alive. But because I believe in something.
I believe I am supposed to do this.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It is my personal belief that the greatest deception we (as the human race) face today is that God will not bring His judgment again to the earth. Keep in mind, this is just my opinion, but it’s screaming at me now in a way that I can’t shut it up. I think it is this, our ignoring that He is coming, that the climax of this story is reaching toward. The whole thing is wrapped up in truth, every word that I write in it, which I find ironic since it’s usually in the times that truth is so tainted to me that I am able to write these things.
I see it in every battle, in every struggle that Nathaniel and Kyla and Caden face…everything they are fighting for coming down to this point: That the Son of Man will come again. Even if you don’t believe it. Even if the thought doesn’t make you feel good. He is still coming.
The truth beyond what we want to hear is that everything that can be shaken will be, and only those who recognize Love will be unmoved. I want to challenge the idea of “How can a God who is Love bring judgment?” and show through this story (both to the readers and to myself) how there is love in His judgments, love in His fire, love in the shaking…that this is what it means for the King of all that is to be consumed with zeal for His bride.
I might not understand it yet, but I know there is a violence to the love of God that in a human picture (or a not so human one) is like Nathaniel’s love…like Caden’s love...like Kyla's love. His heart evokes violence over His bride, and there is nothing He will not do to have her; nothing He will not tear down to make her His. Because it wouldn’t be love if He didn't.
That’s the point I am reaching for in the end, that it wouldn’t be love if His fire didn’t come. It wouldn’t be love if He didn’t do what He said…if He didn’t war on behalf of the ones He calls His. Those who wear the seal on their heart, who have been awakened to the reality of who He is. Not who the world says He is or who the church says He is…not even what history claims.
But who He is.
I want to establish that this waking, this theme of sight that is carried throughout the story isn’t something that is marked on a chosen few, but rather that it is only few who choose it. The choice is there, given by blood…because freedom can only come by sacrifice. Whether it is the freedom over a nation by the blood of its sons or freedom for mankind through the blood of the Son, freedom has to be purchased by blood.
I want to write it out plainly: This is the cost of freedom. This is the cost of love. If you want it, you have to bleed for it.
Maybe this is a fictional story, but there is so much truth to it that it sometimes frightens me. That's why I refuse to sugar coat it and make people think that having their eyes opened to the spiritual realm is some fun thing they can be a part of. Like, “Accept Jesus into your heart and you’ll feel happy and tingly inside and everything in your life will get awesome.” That would feel like deception to me, and the deepest kind of betrayal if I were to do a thing like that.
I want to lay it out clearly that if you aren’t willing to lose it all for Him, you are not worthy of Him, and it’s Caden who really drives that across. I haven’t actually written it yet, the part where that theme comes fully into play, but I have seen it in visions. I’ve heard Caden's voice in my head and felt the power behind it, and it honestly takes my breath away. It would be impossible to explain the point he is brought to, the heartache and the conviction and the intensity behind every word. But the way he says it is like this:
“If you aren’t willing to give Him everything, then you aren't worthy to call Him your King.”
Maybe that might sound a little harsh or some people might take that as offensive, but having been at that point myself, I really don’t think it is. Because humans weren’t made for sissy love. It’s in our genetic makeup to have something worth sacrificing for. We want a reason. We don’t want something that’s just handed to us clear and free, that doesn’t come at a price. It might be easier, but love isn’t love if it doesn’t cost you something...and people know that!
In an uncharacteristic moment of vulnerability, I will be honest with you about this:
I fight with God more than anyone I know. Truth to me tends to blur from black to white to black again, but it’s the times it falls to grey that I hate the most. I know God exists, and that there’s a good chance He’s not a liar, but I do not know how to trust Him. I used to love Jesus more than my life, to the point that I wouldn’t hesitate to die for Him, but I shut off my heart after it got broken, and it's taken a really long time to heal. I do not know how this story ends, but through everything I used to be and all I have become, I am struggling alongside it to see the revealing of truth. And if there is one thing I can guarantee, it is that I will not be the one who determines the ending.
Needless to say, writing Kyla isn't a stretch for me.
In light of what I just admitted, I know I probably seem like the last person who should attempt to write this kind of story, but I could no more deny this than I could deny who I am. (And yes, I realize that on both accounts I try to repeatedly.) That still doesn’t change what plays out in the end. Not because of all the people who have continually spoken to me of the success I will know and the favor I will have; not because of the countless times I’ve been told that I would write a story that would change what love is to the world…not even because of the promises I have been given over it that have kept me alive. But because I believe in something.
I believe I am supposed to do this.
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